Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
