I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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