Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
