saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize