Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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