Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
