Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
me + whiskey = a bad person
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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