bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
he just fucked me for my cheese.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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