maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
