drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
