I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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