last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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