She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
