The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Randomize
