oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
