It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
