Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Randomize
