I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Randomize
