Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
