A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
