i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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