You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
