im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
