this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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