R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
