All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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