my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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