great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Randomize
