i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
This is classic penis vs brain.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
