paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
