Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
