Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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