I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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