i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
it's like heaven, but drunker
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
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