I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
