My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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