Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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