she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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