my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
