her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
