my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
