Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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