Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
