Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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