Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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