My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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