Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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