Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
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