tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
