I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
