i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
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