On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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