She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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