He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
