Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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