she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
