im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
