Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
