I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I smell stomach acid.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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