its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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