somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
