so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Barsexuality is the new black.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
