You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Couch. On fire.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
