I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
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